The Baby Explosion

Dear Facebook Users,

There is a problem of increasing severity plaguing Facebook. There has been an explosion of baby photos and the crisis hasn’t been contained to just albums - profile photos, the new large “timeline” photos, and continuous status updates are all affected. Babies are taking over Facebook.

Not everyone is fond of baby pictures. Babies doing baby things just aren't interesting or newsworthy and every time I login I feel like I’m walking though Babies ‘R Us.

Luckily I have a simple, painless solution: Sign your baby up for its own Facebook account. Those who care about your specific baby can friend it. Those who don’t care to see baby’s first poop can remain friends of friends. The solution allows mothers to continue posting photos, without cluttering the news feed.

I’m not alone. I posted a very short version of this entry on my profile and within minutes “likes” were pouring in like sperm racing to fertilize an egg. The overwhelming majority supported the idea and was equally fed up by the near constant procession of babies.

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

What did you think would happen when Facebook’s 2004 college adopters started reproducing? The time has come. I understand Facebook currently has a 13-year old age minimum, but my solution is in the best interest of Facebook, its shareholders, and the future of the internet.

If you’re not a “fan” of simply dropping the age restriction altogether, perhaps you can start by requiring sub-13’s to have a guardian account co-owner. Parents can sign up their children and monitor their kids’ accounts (if they’re not already the ones posting all the photos). If parents want to post photos of their kids all over the internet for pedophiles to stalk, it’s their decision. Free country, right?

Mark, think about the explosion of users! You want to reach 1 billion? This is the fastest way. Want to boost that IPO valuation? Eliminate the age restriction and support children accounts. Plus think of that ad revenue and market data. I can hear you salivating.

Dear Facebook Users,

Thanks for staying with me. Those who have married, changed names, and use a baby photo as their profile photo – I don’t even know who you are!

I understand your desire to share your baby photos with close friends and families. But I don’t believe Facebook is the best venue. Your profile is about you. Naturally, that would warrant posting photos of family and friends. But some of you have reverted to a single topic: baby. Single topic internet sites should be contained on a separate blog. Friends and family can follow baby there.

Some loving mothers countered my argument with:

“just unfriend me” or “block people with babies”

This solution defeats the purpose. I want to be friends with you. I care about what goes on in your life. If there was a “block babies only” button I would use it. But alas, there isn’t. So here we are.

If you sign up baby for its own account, someday it will thank you. When you turn over the reins to its account (13th birthday perhaps?) baby will have a timeline/scrapbook of life events.

Problem solved. Facebook saved. You’re welcome, Mark. I got your back.

Respectfully yours,

clocksucker